美国大学夏校申请文书专家指导攻略（一）

【编者按】通过十几年从事国际升学指导的实践积累，作者从数以千计的文书案例中摸索共性规律，找出中国学生在美国大学夏校或科研项目文书写作方面存在的核心问题，并详细记录与学生的沟通过程、对文案的修改过程，为国际升学指导教师和夏校申请学生提供深入浅出的案例分析和文书展示。高质量文书写作需要从以下四个方面着手：对于文书题目的理解、对于适合文书的素材筛选、对于文书写作的内容定位与思想定位、对于文书写作语言风格与结构的设计。以下是攻略的第一部分，重点介绍“对于文书题目的理解”。

国际升学指导专家邓宁（左）与中国教育在线国际教育频道主编赵刚

美国大学夏校或科研项目的申请文书看似不过是几篇应答式的英文简述或小论文，但在大多数情况下，这类小论文（essay）在申请过程中往往起到举足轻重的作用。美国大学录取是“综合评估”（holistic review），大学不仅看学生的成绩，更重要的是选择一个适合学校的人。学生需要向大学展示“我是谁”（who am I）。申请文书是自我推介（self-advocacy）的重要组成部分，也是美国大学了解学生个性特征，学术潜力，兴趣与动机，能力和格局的第一步。

文书写作对于中国学生有以下挑战：

更习惯以第三人称被动的高中学术写作方式，而不习惯以第一人称“我”的方式写作，不习惯提供延展的思考观点，不习惯深度反思的写作，不习惯回答开放式的问题（没有正确答案的问题），缺乏清晰、简洁、有效表达鲜活经历的能力，缺乏对美国文化价值观的全面理解。

应对上述挑战，学生在文书写作时，首先要对自己的经历进行梳理、拆解，找出人物故事脉络。在此基础上，高质量文书写作需要从以下四个方面着手：对于文书题目的理解、对于适合文书的素材筛选、对于文书写作的内容定位与思想定位、对于文书写作语言风格与结构的设计。

本文以某公立学校国际部同学的美国夏校申请文书为例，对上述写作特点进行深入分析。

一、对于文书题目的理解

（一）锁定、分析题目关键词。在以Pioneer Academics[1]夏校的如下题目为例，有哪些关键词呢？

Please share up to 3 extracurricular activities in which you have participated that you feel are important for us to consider with your application, and describe why they are meaningful to you.

关键词1：Extracurricular activities

“课外活动”限定了简述涉及的活动范围，与“课内活动”、“课上内容”相区别。

关键词2：Important for us to consider with your application

“对于校方审核夏校（或科研项目）申请很重要”——这一提示将上文“课外活动”又做了进一步限定，意味着“课外活动”体现符合参与夏校（或科研项目）所需能力。

这样还需要延伸阅读Pioneer Academics在官方微信公众号上介绍的申请攻略中有关“录取审核要素”：学术兴趣、学术综合能力、写作能力、成熟度、沟通能力、学术配置情况。也就是说，题目中规定的3篇简述可以分别对应某一个“录取审核要素”。

关键词3：Why they are meaningful to you

“为什么这些课外活动对申请者有意义”——这个关键词围绕课外活动对申请者产生的价值，包括活动对申请者的积极影响和改变，及申请做这个活动带给其他人的价值。

关键词4：字数上限

申请文书体例要求从75字到750字（英文字数）不等，不论字数多少，作为申请者，都要尽最大努力做到紧扣主题、“字字珠玑”。

不能超过字数上限，否则在线申请的应答框无法显示超出的英文文字和标点。

对300字以下的短文，从经验看，争取写到规定字数的上限，才能充分达意。Pioneer Academics的这篇短文要求75字，需要尽量写到上限体量。

结合上述审题要点，看看下面这个申请者简述中的问题。

(1) Elite program selects about 350 best students around China and offers them one year to conduct research with best Chinese professors. (2) In the year, I've analyzed dozens of papers, overturned, and rewritten my experiments countless times and eventually helped refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published on Science in 1970. (3) I became the top 15 students in China and represented Chinese students give speech with world top Physicists and mathematicians.

第1句仅仅是在描述项目，与主题关联度低，需要删除或与其他文字合并。

第2、3句话分别说明参加课外活动时做了哪些具体工作、从中得到了什么，与主题和关键词相关，但是对能力优势表现得不够突出。

简述需要从不同角度证明申请人有能力完成夏校项目，而且过去的所有经历都是在突显申请人自己，而不是突出项目的重要性。

根据上述对题目和关键词的深入理解与延伸分析，特别是“从自我语境出发”的落脚点，75字简述中需要体现：

1）申请人自身优势；

2）申请人曾经的科研活动的意义；

3）申请人曾经的科研活动对未来个人发展的影响。  

下文是学生重新修改后的文字：

(1) With guidance of a PhD supervisor in The Elite Program in China, I took an initiative to refine the theory of ultraviolet-induced high GC content published on Science in 1970. (2) During the year-long research, I applied Python to programming, analyzed piles of data from the NCBI, and testified the experimental results with the use of evolutionary theories. (3) My relentless efforts were paid off, when I was nominated top 15 out 350 senior high schoolers nationwide.

从中可以看出第1句以一个状语形式（With guidance of a PhD supervisor in The Elite Program in China）将项目与学生的科研成果结合起来。

I took an initiative to的使用，突出了学生主动性，增强表述的力度。

第2句连续使用applied、analyzed、testified三个动词强化学生在之前的科研项目中的科学态度、研究方法。

第3句与原文相似，说明获奖情况，但句子表达更为明确、有力，对获奖情况用数字对比描写更突出取得优秀结果的高度选拔性。

（二）审题后决定行文风格。哈佛大学夏校（Harvard Summer School）的申请文书中有这样一题：

If you had a free weekend during the academic year, how would you spend it and why?

题目看似与申请夏校或科研项目无关，有别于常规式的与科研项目有关的“闭环式”简述、小论文，更像是要求学生自己随意发挥的“故事会”。其实，这正是美国大学“以人为核心”的理念，故意设置一个轻松、开放式的场景——free weekend（自由支配的周末），引导学生自由发挥，回答how和why的问题，叙述如何过周末、为什么这样过，突出学生个性和人格力量，终极目标是回答大学最关心的“我是谁”（Who am I）这个核心。

下文是学生的初稿：

During my busy academic year, it will be a great relief for me to shoot a short film based on my short novel, if I have a free weekend. In my spare time, I wrote and published my first short story xxx on xx, a global magazine in English, in November 2023. The story discussed a dramatic relationship between dystopia and tragic fate of dreamers. I was more than pleased to share my thinking with international readers. However, I soon came to realize that novel-writing seemed less efficient in dissemination and communication than movies. Amazingly the movie language could be more acceptable in reflecting what a novel was supposed to demonstrate. I had filming experience before when I led a team to make a short movie named Depression during a neuroscience-oriented program. The film we made was surprisingly top-rated, which summarized what the team had learned so far in neuroscience, including the origin of depression, the symptoms of the disease, and treatment to cure it. Assumably in the free weekend, I would follow suit to team up again for the sake of the novel-based short film. Apparently, I will take the lead to develop script, while others are responsible for designing story board and placing camera. Movie-making skills are not only helpful to spread my short story, but also essential for my future career. As a member of the Chinese Psychiatrist Association (CPA), I raise the profile of neuroscience and psychology to the public along with the team. I have tried webinars, posters, and newsletters to attract attention of audience. In comparison, movies seem more popular and could be optional in profile-raising of neuroscience and psychology.

针对学生的文书，在进一步的指导中做如下梳理和点评：

周末将自己写的小说拍电影，应该是极具想象空间和个性化的行文风格，而学生的初稿更像是“加强版的事件列表”，而且事件陈述逻辑跳脱，学生极力想展示自己的活动经历，写小说、拍抑郁症的影片，由此证明自己对拍电影有兴趣，并具备相关技能，且认可拍电影是自己开展心理相关活动的有效工具。显然这些事不是在一个free weekend可以做完的，学生偏离了题目设定“free weekend”这个特定场景的特点。

换言之，事件罗列中看不到人的个性与力量。读者仅看到学生做了什么，看不到为什么做（why）、怎么做（how）背后的逻辑和个人特质。这篇文书需要学生“艺术”地展示人文侧面，而不是“科学”的工具侧面。

哈佛夏校以及很多美国大学夏校都非常重视人的独特性和个性成长，它们不需要千篇一律的“典型”学子，而是“非典型”、极具特色的个体。因此文书的修改从学生拍电影的动机入手，拍电影成为学生理解世界、社会多面性的工具，特别是针对自己的性格特征，解读“为什么拍电影是自己与人沟通的最好一种方式”。

经过两次修改后，学生的完稿有了明显的进步和特色：

“Action. Cut. Michael, once again you need to be aware that your lines are what you are speaking to yourself. You need to respond as if you are interacting with others.” The sharp voice out of the walkie-talkie echoed in a movie studio. “Points taken, David. Let me rehearse one more time, will you?” Michael begged the director with an awkward smile on his face. “Sure. Take your time.” I was leading a team to shoot a film in a free weekend. Film shooting seemed as busy as most part of my academic year. But it was quite a thrill to make a short movie based on my own short novel. I believe in science, especially neuroscience. Unfortunately, however, science is not everything. The beauty of art is what science may not have achieved yet, as Steve Jobs considered calligraphy to be artistically subtle in a way that science cannot capture. In fact, every academic area is a combination of science and art. In my spare time, I wrote and published my first short story in Englishxxx on xx. It discusses a dystopia of human life, which is full of daydreams and absurdities. It is no easy to find beauty. It is even more difficult to make beauty. But the beauty I have found and made lies in Don Quixote-style bravery, a hopeless optimism of human beings. I attribute the finding and making to my personality. As an introvert, I have spent most of my time looking attentively at the world around me. My quietness has not prevented me from capturing beauties with sharp eyes, even in the seemingly dullness. This time I plan to make beauty with a camera. “Action.” I ordered again. Looking desperate, Michael looked straight into my eyes, and said, “Yeah, no birds. But I saw one. Not only one, they flew across the sky now and then.” I thumbed up to Michael. How to tell a story seems far beyond science. But rather it depends on how much we understand human nature, which is as important as science.  

修改后的文书围绕周末拍摄小电影展开，描述的拍摄过程镜头感、现场感很强，让读者身临其境。特别突出了学生对“科学与艺术相结合”的认识，突出了学生在科学之外追求美的勇气和执着。全篇落脚在“对人性的理解与对科学的理解同等重要”，在主题上是点睛之笔。（未完待续）

^[1] 注释：Pioneer Academics（先锋学术）是全球唯一具备颁发顶尖大学学分资质的高中生在线研究项目。

来源：国际升学指导专家邓宁、中国教育在线国际教育频道主编赵刚